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Jan. 17th, 2010

Cheers / vices

For creative_muses

Drinks like a fish

Kara has a problem. When people tell her that, she fives them the infamous Starbuck grin, a carefree shrug of her shoulders and follows it with another swig of her drink, whatever alcoholic nectar of choice she has in her hand at the time. Never seen without some kind of drink in her hand, people rarely see Kara Thrace sober (never completely drunk either, but Kara firmly believes that she’s a nicer person when she’s drunk than when she’s sober). Not that she seems to care, or even consider her drinking excessive or a problem. It helps her sleep, it helps her wake up, it keeps her smiling, it stops her from breaking down. She never drinks behind the stick of her viper though, she knows better than that (usually), knows she needs to be focused but when it’s all too much and she feels like she’s drowning and worthless the rush of the alcohol is the only thing that makes her feel alive, and when she fraks up out there and puts herself in danger, she senses the anger around her for the ship she nearly damaged, the parts she nearly destroyed instead of the life that was nearly lost.

Anders gives her a glass, the green nectar inside already warming her throat. He lets her drink and he lets her waste her time and life because he knows it’s the only way he can bond with her. It’s the only way she’ll let him. Gods know she doesn’t kiss him sober anymore and she certainly never lets him touch her when she’s sober. When they’re together she thinks of someone else’s hands on her skin, in her hair, moving against her and inside her. Her wedding ring never returns to her finger.

The guilt is all consuming and so she drinks again, a never ending cycle, drinking more in the hopes that it will make everything stop.

It never does, but Kara will keep on trying because short of letting one of those tin-can bastards out there kill her when she’s flying (and everyone can mourn the loss of another viper, tear it apart for scrap), it’s all she can do to feel something.

Muse: Kara “Starbuck” Thrace
Fandom: Battlestar Galactica
Word Count: 367

Nov. 23rd, 2009

Boxing (Lee/Kara)

Hindsight's a Bitch

Kara Thrace doesn't admit when she's made mistakes. She never has. She never will as long as she gets her way.Collapse )

Word Count: 1278
Prompt: When Kara realised she made a mistake with Anders
Tags:

Nov. 21st, 2009

Viper / everything changes

For creative_muses

Have you ever lost someone close to you?

We all have. that's what happens when the frakking cylons come for your entire race. They wiped out the twelve colonies before we even knew what had hit us and that was it, everyone that we had ever known and loved was gone, save for the few people that were off the planets when it happened.

50,000 people were all that was left of the human race, and that number went down slowly, one by one, person by person, each time we lost someone else.

My mom and dad, my friends... everyone I knew was killed when the Cylons attacked, and more than that, before that, Zak had died and that had been my fault. I always feel like I've lost people.

But after thinking I'd lost Anders, I thought that was it, I'd lost everything. But I found him again only to actually lose everything.

I lost my purpose, and my sights as a soldier, I lost a little girl I never actually had and I lost my way.

[Private Log]

I lost my best friend, I lost Lee. I frakked up, and I know I did. I frakked up badly and I should never have done what I did. Whether or not that means I should have said no when things between Lee and I got a little... heated (well, more than a little heated) or that I should have turned around and stopped things with Anders at that point... Gods, I don't know, I hate how confused I get over it all.

Most of all, I hate how now, Anders doesn't feel like enough for me, like he never was enough for me. It worked before, when I still had Lee, when he was round and talking to me, when he could look me in the eye without that look of utter disgust passing across his face whenever his eyes fall my way. Before he hated me.

Before I lost him for good.

After the attack, the Adamas were the only thing I had left, and after I chased Sam away, they were all I had, even though I didn't really have them at all.

And now I really have lost everything. And everyone.

Even though I've pulled myself together, pulled myself out of that frakking hole I'd fallen into after what had happened on New Caprica, nothing's right. Nothing's right anymore because I don't have Apollo by my side.

And because of that the world feels wrong.

So yeah, I've lost people close to me, I've lost a lot of people that were close to me, but nothing hurt as much as losing Lee. Nothing's frakked up this frak up so badly in a long time.

[End Private Log]

Muse: Kara "Starbuck" Thrace
Fandom: Battlestar Galactica
Word Count: 450

Nov. 10th, 2009

vices / smoking

For creative_muses

What do you regret the most?

There's a lot I regret. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot. Most of the time, I frak up four or five times during the day, more if I've been drinking and even more if Lee's involved. Or Tigh. Or Kat.

Or anyone, really.

I regret things that get me locked in hack so I miss the important things, I regret flying stupidly when my team need me to be on form. I regret frakking up in the field because I'm not on form because I'm hung over.

Guess those regrets aren't really all that important. Can't really regret things. You do what you do and that's it.

[Private Log]

I regret constantly messing things up. For starters, I shouldn't have passed Zak. He couldn't fly Vipers, he had no timing and no feeling for flight. He had no business being in the air but I let my feelings get in the way and apparently I never frakking learn because it happens over and over again.

My frustration with people comes out in moments of passion, throwing fists and insults like they're frakking rice at a wedding. I snap at the nuggets and I snap at Lee when all he wants to do is help.

And Lee... I regret Lee.

I regret all the things that I did with him - or didn't do with him - and the chances and opportunities that I lost because of my own frakking cowardice. The screw up that is Kara Thrace trips over herself time and time again because I can't frakking get over that fear of commitment.

I regret never just shoving fear to the side and taking what I really want. I wish I could take it all back and make it better. I regret that it took me so long to wake up to how I feel and now it's all too late, too frakked up between us to ever make it better.

I regret being such a frakking coward; I killed one man I loved and nearly killed the other, every time I got close to him I freaked out and ran away and I regret doing that too.

I regret running.

I've been running all my life and I wish I could stop, turn around and grab life Lee as it comes at me instead of running, hiding and accepting substitutes.

[/Private]


Muse: Kara "Starbuck" Thrace
Fandom: Battlestar Galactica
Word Count: 400
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